|"You still cry too easily, but without your tears, at least, everything would burn."
||[Dec. 13th, 2007|11:14 pm]
"You still cry too easily, but without your tears, at least, everything would burn. You are Spring in your jeans, in the laughing leaves. I think pearls melted over your bones." -Francesca Lia Block, Wasteland|
Is this the Kitty I think it is? Forgive me if it isn't. Forgive me if it is.
The holidays are coming, and maybe it's a clumsy thought, but if there were any time best suited for reconciliations, it would be now. Toward the end of the year, some of us can't help but reminisce, revisit past losses and achievements, take stock of life. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think everyone needs love, warmth, and cheer this time of year. Just give me a moment, just long enough to read this, before you send me away again.
I remember evenings on the phone, when you would read Francesca Lia Block to me. I remember buying you her book. Was it Christmas then? I remember Freshman year, when we all chose to trust each other immediately, let ourselves be vulnerable with each other, maybe too quickly. I remember when I thought, foolishly, egotistically, that I could make you happy, just by being a good enough friend. I remember thinking that maybe no one had tried hard enough before, and that I could do it. But I couldn't.
I don't know what you think of it all now, but you once told me that you believed I'd never cared about you, that everything I'd ever told you was a lie. I couldn't understand you, then. I knew how I felt about you, so how could you not take me at my word? But how could you take me at my word? I'd betrayed you, sometimes knowingly, and often (worst of all) completely ignorant of what I was doing to you. I was stupid. I thought I could be selfish, and that it would be okay, because I was happy, and you should be happy for me.
Does it help if it turned out that he's the love of my life? Is it any better if I admit that I believed true love was only worth it if you fought for it, against all obstacles? Is it an excuse to say that I'd read too many fairy tales, and thought that if someone was in love, everyone would wind up happy in the end somehow?
I should have fought for you, too. I was fighting so many battles then, and I didn't know how to keep up. You hated me so fiercely, and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to break through. I tried with words, but they weren't enough. I'm trying with words, still. I miss you. I often wonder how you're doing, wish that wherever you are, you're happy. Has enough time passed? Do you still hate me? Can you ever forgive me? You were a bright spot in my day, every day, once upon a time. And maybe, once upon a time, I made your day better, not worse, when I was around. Can you think of anything, any small spark, that makes you think our friendship is worth the struggle, worth fighting for? Could we try to be friends again?